How to ride the equity bandwagon without ever leaving the parking lot: A practical guide for academics.

Academic equity has become a dominant theme in global health and research discourse, yet meaningful structural change often lags behind increasingly sophisticated rhetoric. Through satire, this commentary examines the gap between declarations of commitment and everyday academic practice, illustrating how institutions can enthusiastically champion equity while preserving existing hierarchies of power, authorship, funding, and decision-making. By exaggerating familiar behaviours into "Ten Commandments of Academic Equity Theatre," the article invites readers to reflect on performative inclusiveness and asks whether academia is prepared to move beyond measuring, discussing, and celebrating equity to genuinely sharing it.